Mind Evaporating Banter

What?.....Regina.....What? Play that song. you know the one that goes....da na na na na na na.....

Concert's tonight. Can't wait.

I wrote something. My mind is empty. I am so boring. District 9 was kick-ass. Love the drive-in :-)) Harvard sucks....cancelled my interview after it was scheduled for 3 weeks. "Sorry, We filled the position." Fuckin Ivy League....I never wanted to be a part of your club for jerks anyway :) Interview in.....um....Houston next month. I'm sure it's a fascinating place to live. Good thing grape vine informed me the ex is moving out of there. Behind on the ophtho applications. Should have had them in already. I have set myself up for future disaster. Surprise surprise. Sister getting married this month...I can't wait. She deserves all the happiness life can bring. JAmie and the cats are cool. Neuro is well Neuro.....in and of itself not meant for me....and I am OK with that. Missed the German (My people) Beerfest because I forgot I had to work over the weekend....Boo. Being a supervisor is more stressful and frustrating than I had anticipated. No one lives up to my standards. I feel like I should have more control yet reality is I have less. I have a hard time trusting my residents. I'm sure they'll come around. Maybe I'll write again....this was kinda fun.

So I went to check out the triathlon route this week. Yeeks. It ain't even funny. All hills....and when I mean hills I mean HILLS. I am ready for the length of a triathlon but by no means the grade. I'm screwed. I have 2 1/2 weeks and the last week shouldn't be aggressive training. I am secretly hoping I become injured to save myself embarassment.

Things that piss me off.....parents who deliver children at home...in a bathtub. That's all I have to say and please don't ask me anything more about the subject. Sometimes the world is just disturbing.

I am so ashamed....I am a bunny mamer. I was biking yesterday...having one of the best rides I have had since I started training and a squirrel jumped in front of me. I slowed and swirved a little just so a bunny could run under my bike :( He hobble-hopped away. i went back to find him to see if I could take him to a wildlife rescue center but couldn't find the poor little guy.

In related news...Yesterday I had an unpleasant dream about tons of snakes trying to get me. Then within the first 5 minutes of my ride a snake slithered next to me and actually tried to strike. He was all in the ess shape and everything. Looked venemous. Yikes!

I just don't know what to do. Ex-neighbor girl (and ex very close friend)texted me last night. Out of the blue "How are you? I miss you" I didn't even have her phone number programmed anymore. I do miss her...but I think that is ok....to miss her. I want to stay away more out of self-preservation than holding a grudge. Uggh. An apology would probably make up my mind. but ugghh....would it? Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! The ist-ist in me should warn me to stay away. Still I have a hard time turning a cold shoulder to those that I have loved (even erroneously).

I am an ist-ist. I hate people who hate people. This can be a real pain in the butt too. I will consider someone my friend and then find out that they have racist views, are homophobic, sexist etc. Then no matter how hard I try I just can't muster up much respect for that person. Basically I have killed many a friendship and acquaintanship because of because I am an ist-ist. And you know what...I still stand by it. It's not that I am judging...I am merely disgusted.

Why am I so endlessly annoyed with other physicians who know nothing about neurology. I get consulted for the stupidest crap. I have an entourage nowadays...eager beaver students. I have to tell them when I want to walk somewhere by myself. Its funny. I'm not nearly that important.

My time is mostly occupied by training for the triathlon. I'm havin fun. Got an awesome bike. First ride was in the rain on Silver Commet trail.



The running thing is still a work in progress...once I hit 2 1/2 miles I throw in the towel and walk. Swimming a mile in one fell swoop though.

Oh...Fat Tire IS HERE!!!! Was at the Earl Saturday and they ran out right before I got there....uggh. Will go find some for home.

Vacation was WONDERFUL! Absolutely perfect. We did get into an argument about how best to stear the dinky sailboat. Didn't talk to Jamie for about an hour. When we argue it is always about the stupid stuff. Otherwise...beach, beach, gourmet dinners, wine, scuba, snorkeling, spa and more beach. It was uber romantic. We have gotten numerous inquiries since we have been back...but, no we have not gotten engaged. And that is just fine.

But....speaking of engagements....I am so excited to anounce that my best friend Jessie got engaged on Tuesday! WooHoo!!! Couldn't be happier for her. Sounds like he's a good one though I am disappointed he didn't try to get my approval first. Something about Georgia is too far away and he didn't wanna wait till June or some crap like that. If she loves him...I'm sure I'll approve.

Swine flu test still out but Inf A/B negative and I feel much better so I am sure we are in the clear. Cleared for work today.

Not minding the stroke service at all. Today is the last day my least favorite attending is going to be at Emory....WooHoo!!! I still have absolutely no clue what I would like my career to be....I am dumfounded. I ask myself this question every single day but I have not found an answer. I have like 5 different things in mind but I know not which is best for me. Quite frustrating. I am running out of time.

I am on vacation from work for these 2 weeks. I was supposed to go to Asheville with Laura and her girls this past weekend but I hit tornadoes on the way up. I know I am stupid for even trying but even stupider me forgot to look at weather before I left. So I turned around and headed south to Jacksonville to see my man who I hadn't seen in over a week. Hit a bad hailstorm on way down but ultimately outran the storm. Disclaimer: do not try on your own...I am a professional dumbass.

These past two days have been WONDERFUL! I have slept in till 10:30 to 2:30 each day. Got some cleaning done. Played some Wii. Jogging and biking to gear up for triathlon late June... amking good progress but need to to much more. BTW, podcast for Runners music is fantastic...house/trance music to constant driving beat keeps me going. Finishing the second Twilight book (tool)....even worse it gives me butterflies like being in love(yuck).
Spending too much money on next week's beach vacation. Using it as an excuse to beautify myself. Things I want but have passed up on: eyelash extensions, henna tattoo, professional bodywrap, implant piercing (diamondlike stud on decoletage....way cool looking) . Things I have given into: beach clothes, manicure and pedicure, home made mud bath,....awesome and mega-fun but ridiculously messy. Jamie boought me new luggage...PINK! (tool) Getting hair done tomorrow...can't wait for my semi-monthly therapy session with Jon.

-there is more but I am rambling....later

ADDENDUM: I gave into the piercing. What?...It's way cool. Don't worry mom, you didn't fail as a mother....I am naturally crazy!

Even though I hate being cut off from the rest of society and more importantly, my man, nightfloat opportunes me the chance to ponder....to think. It also gives me a chance to reconnect with friends and family via e-mail. I find this quite refreshing. And so begins another list of over self-disclosure. Here are some things I have been thinking about...

1) I am headed down the wrong path. My current job just doesn't jive with how I want to live my life. I love life and too often in this field I forget that. Sometimes I just plain old forget how to live...or I simply don't have the time to. I would like to mold my career into something that can foster my own health and spirituality...not just those whom I serve. I am finding that I have to fight just to keep my head up...I am not being the true me. Now, I am open to the possibility that these feelings may just be a product of the cruelties of residency and that I might feel more fulfilled in my own practice but my gut tells me that's not the case. ...And my gut is usually right about things. I am trusting the process right now. I have racked my brain thinking of the other things I could be doing with my life but no clear path has shown itself....so I'll keep trudging through. (BTW...I am definitely finishing residency despite my woes)

2) I don't regret having married Ryan: Yes, it turned out awful(ly?). With the knowledge I have now I would not have done it, but I did the best I could. I was good at loving him and I put my whole self into my marriage. I just can't regret that. I am proud that I supported him through everything, even though in the end he didn't see it that way. It's funny how a person's perception can be so skewed. I have lived. I have loved. And I have learned. I have learned lessons I wish I hadn't but I trust that it will make me a better person in the long run. I am accepting (though not happy)about the fact that life can be just God-awful-painful at times. I struggle every day to make sure that my experience does not hinder my progression through this life but that it will somehow enlighten me. Every day I spend with Jamie I realize that it will take time but I will be able to show him the true potential of my heart. I won't let someone else's shortcomings take that away from me...away from us.

3) I really miss my family. I just miss the little things. I miss the casual dinners...walks in the park...unloading the frustrations of my day...the dogs...their funny Wisconsin accents (I know...I have it as well), my dad's goofy little smirk, Wendy's wit and hidden compassion (seen mostly in her eyes and attentiveness in conversation), Amy's fragile heart and latent goofiness (again both seen in the eyes), mom's everything (well except for the incessant nagging....I don't miss that....ok....sometimes I even miss that)...Chris's humor. I miss all of these yet I am still uncertain if living in WI would ever be right for me again. Again I am torn though because I have a hard time believing I could miss out on these little things for the majority of my life. God forbid if I start having nieces or nephews...not sure I'd be happy being away from them. Yet a part of me says there is more "me" exploring to do...travel, making my own mistakes....and triumphs for that matter. Who knows?

"Not all who wander are lost." J.R.R. Tolkien

...to say Hi. I am back on nite float again so I have time to catch up on all the cyberworld has to offer.

Basically just counting down the days to my vacation. Vacation from work starts in 2 weeks. Vacation propper in 3. We are going to Peter Island. It's a private British Virgin island next to St. Thomas. 1 person per 10,000 acres, basically just the thirty guests of the resort are on the island. It is going to be so ridiculously romantic and relaxing. I can't wait!

Surfin VS for swimsuits and starting to have a panic attack. At least it is a private island I tell myself. Less people to be frightened of me in such little clothing. 3 weeks isn't gonna fix this mess. Alas, I will try.

Oh yeah...while we are there or coming back it will be Jamie's birthday. Anyone have any ideas for a cool gift? It is so hard to buy for someone who buys whatever he wants when he wants it.

been bad at blogging lately. phone doesn't allow me to capitalize anymore....cant use the zero either. was using capital o instead of zero but now its just plain o. yup.

right now I'm (the I is an auto capital by the phone...i swear I didn't lie to you) sitting in a uhaul truck in the 2o dgree weather while 2 mexicans are loading the rest of jamie's stuff to move it into our place. 2 mexicans and a truck. god bless the home depot parking lot. they helped us paint last week too. services highly recommended.

I'm going to vow to blog every day for seven days. why...i don't know. I guess I kinda miss it. I know I have about 3 readers but...eh...thats ok.

Ok....not really. It just sounded good.

Been plagued with migraines at least 3 times daily for 8 days. We neurologists like to call it status migranosis just to make us sound smart. And when I mean migraines I mean my eye freakishly twitches then closes for hours, my right face twitches, I see blue squiggly lines, I am in a fog, I cant feel my hand or mouth...oh and don't forget the pain. And somehow I am supposed to excell at work. Uhuh Right. What good are neurologists anyway?

I taught a graduate course at Emory yesterday. Ooooh the topic was exciting...Factors influencing the variability of CAG repeat instability in Huntington disease....all of the subjects were sperm. My attending was a researcher in the project. Basically, she would give a plastic tube to Venezuelan men. They would go behind a tree and return with the specimen. Trees must work like magazines. She had to carry the specimens through customs.....thousands....Hehe.

I know I have said this before, but I am seriously annoyed and having a hard time accepting not having profound insights on philosophy or the inner workings of the mind and/or world. It's really beginning to bather me. I feel like part of my identity has been stripped from me. I am more organized, more functional at work, less depressed, but damn it....it sucks.

I do not believe you should befriend anyone on Facebook whose funeral you would not attend. I must delete. I don't really like that site. It's too sterile.

My apartment is cool. My boyfriend is swell. And our new TV is neato.

Guitar hero is like crack. That is all.

It's Friday and I need to go out. I mean I NEED to go out. Seriously, the last time I went out was Halloween, and then freakin' Corndogorama before that. I feel out-deprived. Could it be? Has my incredibly stable relationship made me TOO stable....I mean boring. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my life and my boyfriend but I need a little spice in it(my life...boyfriend has plenty of spice...and have I mentioned he's hot...hot and spicy). I don't need a chaotic and crazy life like...cough, cough, mumble....a year or so ago that I kinda wanna forget or deny existed but secretly enjoyed very much except when it completely sucked which was often....end mumble. Anyway, I just wanna get out for a while. Jamie is out of town and damn it....I'm doing something.
And I'm going to one of the things at Atlantic station tomorrow (not sure Bodies vs Dialogue), WooHoo I love alone activities. Then IKEA...WooHoo, for the third time this week (I both love and hate that place). Then cleaning and unpacking...Woohoo I love cleaning and unpacking...for the 3rd time this week, alone.

I got Wish back! He was too sad and wouldn't move so I got him back. And even better news Abby is just as happy without him. Yay!
Oh....and I guess there really is a reason for bird management at airports. Who knew? Who needs suicide bombers when you can just have suicide pigeons.

I sad today :-( I gave abby and Aloysius away to a co-worker yesterday. I cried like a baby. I'm gonna miss them a lot. It's just too hard to have 3 full-time cats and one visiting every other month. I would have kept one but they are chums and find comfort in each other. Even though I am sad I know that Bryan will take good care of them.
Still, I wish my kitties were back.

So , I guess my life is going pretty well. I got a text from the ex stating that he is moving to Houston and that he wants me to have Buddy. Yay! Moving into the new apartment next weekend. Yay (but nervous)! I have a fantastic boyfriend who I swear has bought me a ring though I do not expect it for a while.(I really hope he doesn't read this). Work doesn't seem so bad....at least not this month. Busy but happy. I love doing neuro consults...it makes me feel smart to tell other doctors what they don't know. I know....egotistical right....at least that aspect of my personality is returning.

Anyone want 2 ferrets? 2 cats? Let me know. They are cute...ferrets smelly, cats quirky.

I want an opus. No really I do. Have no clue what. Who knows maybe I have already started it.

Later.

There are two instances in life that I can think of that are true indicators of a person's character.

1) How they act when they are at the airport (where I am right now). Do you let someone in front of you? Do you push yourself through? Are you respectful of the flight attendants? You get the picture.

2) How you act after you have done something wrong or terribly wrong. What qualifies? Anything that goes against your morals or anything that deeply hurt another human being and/or other being. Some will lie, get angry, make excuses etc. And others will tell the truth, accordingly apologize to whomever is hurt (even if it is one's self), and vow never to partake in the hurtful behavior again. I really only want the latter to be involved in my life. Unfortunately, it's hard to know who the former persons are before it's too late.

BTW, nothing has happened to provoke this message....other than jerks at the airport.